Friday, June 28, 2013

Grieving "home"

After 43 years in the same house, in the same town, my mother has finally put her house on the market and it is sold subject to financing.  So in all likelihood, the house that I still call "home", even though I haven't lived there for 15 years, will be sold by the end of next month.  This is not a shock.  I knew that she was planning to sell as she has been talking about it since 2010.  

I am now 39 and soon the house that I call home, will be just that, a house that I once lived in.  I don't get to visit as often as my sister does because I am on the other end of the country in BC, whereas my childhood home is in PEI. My sister is "next door" in NS and brings her children to see Oma's house on long weekends and other holidays.  It will be a loss for us all.  I have had to grieve the loss of many things prematurely in my life.  I saw premature because I was quite young when I did a lot of things, when a lot of things changed.  I think that doing so has made me stronger, made me wiser.  True, it is "just a house" and when I look at the photos on MLS, that age of the house is apparent, but this is more than a house.  It is a place of memories, a place of security, a place that was always there to go back to ... and soon it will be gone.  Along with losing this house, I will have no reason to go back to PEI, other than planned visits with the few friends that are left.  Meaning it will take real effort on my part and intentionality, rather than "I'm at my mother's, who is around to hang out with?"  Instead when I go back to visit with family, it will be in NS.  

NS is a familiar place as I spent 4 years of graduate school, but it has different memories for me, and is still equally far to travel from BC. This change has been inevitable. You know it is coming, you hope that you don't have to see it, but you know it is necessary.  I have supported my mother to sell, to move on with her life as best that I can since my father's death in 2005. I myself have moved a total of 7 times in my life, all within the past 22 years. Most of the moves have been in the latter part of my life.  I can't really say that I have had an attachment to any of these places, as that is just what they are, places to be, places to put your stuff.  It is the memories that you take with you, and stuff that you leave behind.  It is one thing to say, it is another thing to let go, especially when you have a deeper attachment to some places or people, moreso than others.  

This is all that I have to say for the moment... as I am still processing it all.  Plus I need to go check in on the current memories... my children.

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