Friday, January 25, 2013

An 'AHA moment....

The Twins are 16 months old today! *sigh* and yes, they have both learned to climb lately.. we have had to put the boxes on the ledges or else someone (babygirl) will go head first off as she hasn't grasped the getting down part as baby boy has.

Tomorrow I was going to throw a housewarming/birthday party but I decided to cancel it.  I only throw these parties because I feel like I should do SOMETHING.. plus this year people might want to see our new house and visit with the twins if they haven't already met them. I cancelled it mostly because I don't feel the house is ready to be "shown", and most people are sick or unable to come.

Plus the big one is that I hate birthdays.  I have since I hit 29, which coincidentally was my first year that I moved here when I didn't know anyone.  So this year I am turning 39.  Wow! How did that happen?  I don't feel 39.  I think I have accomplished whatever it was that I wanted to with my life in terms of the career, but I also know that there is a lot more to do/achieve in life. But at the moment I am content with what I have achieved.

Yesterday, I went to my former workplace to act as a consultant for a CPE student seeking advanced standing.  What this means is that I had to read some papers written by this person and together with the supervisor/teacher have an interview with them to further assess if they are ready to function at the next level.  In CPE, clinical pastoral education, we utilize the experiential model with class time and time in a clinical placement/assignment, with a focus on either pastoral care or pastoral counseling. The levels begin with basic, advanced, specialist, provisional teaching supervisor, associate teaching supervisor and teaching supervisor.  This training is focused on chaplaincy/spiritual care in a health care setting, but can be utilized in a church/worship setting as well.  Typically, when in the church setting, the focus is on pastoral counseling, vs. pastoral care, whereas healthcare settings are usually with a pastoral/spiritual care focus. 

So I did this consult, and while sitting there listening to the student's answers and conversation with us, I came to a realization. I don't want to do consults any more as this is not my "world" any more.  While I continue to stay engaged in my professional association, specifically on an executive board, I am not immersed in this setting any more and hence my focus is elsewhere. In particular, it reenforced my decision to leave the clinical setting when I did. A lot of people assume that I left the field to pursue motherhood, when in reality, I left to pursue another career away from ministry.  I do not feel that my Extroverted personality is well-suited for the "work" at this time.  It takes a lot of focus and energy to engage others at the deep level and this time, I am not capable of doing so, nor do I know if I will ever return to this work again.  I wouldn't give up my time in training for something else as it was a valuable experience and taught me much about myself, but it is not where my head is at the moment.  

Similarly, I would not trade this experience of having twins for anything. They are my first and only children.  I can't imagine not having 2, and think I would be bored with just one.  And all the mothers of singletons roll their eyes at me...

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