Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Waiting for Life to Figure itself out...

April 13, 2012 -- 2 cuties on a couch

Last week, I took baby girl for her regular follow-up cardiology appointment.  On Monday, the doctor phoned to tell me that after discussing her case with his colleagues at the weekly case conference, it was decided that the surgeon will schedule her ROSS procedure at the next available time.  There are 2 complications though; 1. the type of tissue needed for her is not available anywhere in Canada, 2. there is currently a viral outbreak in the surgical department so half the department is shut down.  While her surgery is not considered to be an elective, it is still not easy to wait.  We will get one week's notice for the surgery date.  

Hubby and I have been aware of this possibility and the doctor had wanted to put it off as long as possible.  He was hoping that she would be bigger/stronger to pull through as it is open heart.  The last procedure had complications because she was so little.  

While I know that this will work out as it was meant to; that God is in control, it is still not a good feeling to know that your child is sick and you can't help fix it.  On top of everything, I have a bad cold and if she is sick with cold or fever, they won't do the surgery.

Last night, I was talking to hubby about this procedure.  He brought up something that I hadn't thought of.  In order for her to survive, and get this procedure, someone else's child has to die so that we can have the tissue.  Wow! As horrible as it might be to loose your kid, it can be a small consolation to know that their death saved someone else.

When I was studying for my masters, one of the books we read was by Stanley Hauerwas called "God, Medicine and Suffering".  Essentially, we have a difficult time to deal with suffering and illness in our society, and we have an especially difficult time to know that it is a child or baby. Why?  Because this child is considered innocent and hasn't yet had much chance in life to live their life.  It seems unfair that they should die or become ill, as opposed to someone who is older and has been able to accomplish things.  Death or illness is difficult to deal with at anytime of one's life, I think.  But there seem to be times/circumstances that are especially trying or deemed unfair.

I have a few friends that had twins but one died shortly after birth.  I can't imagine knowing that life would have/could have been different for these people. My heart goes out to those people, but I hope that they have been strong enough to learn from it, to acknowledge it and move on.  To know joy with the child that has survived and hopefully to not move further away from God. 

I have never said that any of this is unfair.  Don't get me wrong, of course I want my children to be happy and healthy.  We were prepared to deal with other chronic issues with our children; the fact that I am a carrier for Hemophilia, or the possibility that my hearing loss is genetic - these are the things that we prepared ourselves for.  This cardiac stuff just blew up away. You would think that after the years of infertility and heartache that we would be bitter about how things have worked out, but I have no enmity for God. No questions, no blaming.  It is how it is, and it will work out how it is meant to go.  Might not be the way that I want it to... might not be "fair", might test us ... but it is going to work out the way that it is meant to go and I have to figure out once again what lesson it is that God wants me or my husband to learn.


1 comment:

skypeyourskincare said...

I love you and all of you & your people! I pray and we feel with you 2 soooooooo much for and about this! Her. Her little body! I've been praying all the time for Lena! Well both of them! I get a strong reassurance feeling about Micah & I feel a LOT of love when I focus on Lena. I also don't want to imagine what that is like. We are here for you in soo many ways! I wish we were next door however we are here for you! Hugs